Thursday, May 31, 2012

Just a little blue

I woke up today feeling sad. Not the break down burst into tears sad but just an overall feeling of melancholy. I'm sure part of this is the separation from Daniel and having to learn to be alone and on my own. Its hard to do. Granted, nobody ever said that this would be easy. I just wish things were different. Its hard going from a being around somebody for three years then going to a you're on your own now. Well, as on my own as it can get while living with my parents so I can resolve my debts and a cat whom I love to pieces. He's currently chasing down his red catnip ball. I think he lost it somewhere in one of the other rooms so now he's got the wandering around going on. I'll probably have to go find it for him.

I'm not sure how long I'll be here at my parents place. No longer then necessary of course but long enough to get my debts paid and after that I'm not sure where I'll end up. I do know one thing for sure once I've got my money straightened out and enough time built for vacation I would like to take a trip and see the ocean. I want to walk barefoot in the sand and dip my toes into the water. Its something I've never done or seen so I would like to do it. When I get that opportunity I can cross it from my list of things that I would like to do.

I know eventually it will all work out. It always does but right now its hard to see the sunshine through the clouds.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Nine Days Later

Nine days later and here I am sitting in my old room. Old but the same. Sure, the walls are bare except for two cards that I've tacked to the wall and a calendar on the other. I have pictures to hang and yet if I do that it makes it seem all the more permanent. I know that I'll be here for a while and yet I'm not sure how I feel about this or the entire situation. Its a combobulation of the finest sort.

Part of me wants to be happy about this that I'm here and I'm living with a roof over my head and food to eat. Happy that I have clothes to wear and place to sleep and yet there's the part of me that wants to break and cry and to scream and shout. To be angry at the world and yet why should I do that?

It wasn't the world that brought me to this point. It was myself. My own actions and my choices that brought me here to this place again. But why can't I feel angry about it? Why can't I scream and shout and cry? I should be allowed to do that shouldn't I? Would it do any good though? Would it accomplish anything in the grand scheme of things?

I'm not sure if any of it would be worth it. Emotions are fleeting after all. They come and go each passing day. The emotions that I feel I will work with them as they come. My only wish was that this wasn't so hard to go through but that is life after all isn't it?

I suppose if life were easy we wouldn't be taught the lessons that we have to learn. Experience is after all the hardest teacher.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The beginning of an end

So, this is what it feels like. The end. Finished. No more. After three years,  three years of building memories and moments together and it is now over. I should have expected and anticipated it would come to this. From the time you said I love you but I'm not in love with you I should have known that me doing all I could to keep us together wouldn't be enough and so here now I stand with nothing - alone. Always alone. Private my world for I am a silent person. Maybe I shouldn't be silent anymore. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I should speak up more and voice my opinion. 

What am I feeling right now? Emptiness, hurt, anger. How could somebody do this to me? I give three years of my life and get this in return and so here I stand not beside you as a girlfriend and never will be a wife. No, that isn't something I'd ever give the honor of to you. Not after this. You want to be friends.. And why? Because you say you care about me and you still love me. Is that even possible to do as friends? I've never been in a relationship long enough to form the bonds we have and then let go and just be friends. In the past, we'd go our seperate ways with the ones I was with and occasionally say the polite hello and that was it. This is a whole new surrounding for me, a new world. I'm not sure how to transition from lovers to friends. I guess in the beginning though that is what we were wasn't it. Who knows, maybe we can be friends and maybe we'll make some good memories as friends but right now I don't know what to do or say to you. 

So I stand here broken hearted, empty inside, no money in my pockets, and no where to go. You already know my secret shame, that came out last night in our talks. The debts I owe. Not just the student loans and car payments but the maxed out credit cards and you were so hurt by it that I didn't tell you but why should I. It was my problem and I got myself into the mess and should be able to get out of it on my own. A secret shame I didn't want to share in much the same way an alcoholic doesn't reveal their problem. 

So, again, what to do and how to heal from this? I know I need to move forward and yet I don't know how or where to begin to grow stronger. I'm not so good at this grown up life stuff. Who is though? At the age of 26 I'm so far into debt that I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to budget. Don't know where the money will come from aside from the job I have which while not the greatest in the world at least lets me pay the bills but that's it. I can't even afford to move out if I wanted to. I don't make enough to pay bills and pay rent. I suppose going back to my mom and dads would be an option but that - that is a pride issue. The screw up daughter returning to the nest. It really isn't something I want to do but in the end if I have to I will and hopefully they won't mind another cat too. All I know is that I can pray and hopfully find some sense of wholeness again after the pain I have endured.