Five Things About Me

I'm left handed

I've worn glasses since the age of 6 years old

I don't like sleeping with a top sheet

I've never been to the beach but it's on my bucket list

I've not had soda since the day I graduated high school which was back in 2004

Thankful Thursday

This Thursday I am thankful for stumbling upon a website called MyFitnessPal  this website has been an amazing lifesaver. I joined the site May 21 2011 weighing in at 225 lbs. Going forward from that day until now I am now at 204 lbs. That is total of 21 lbs lost which might seem little to some but for me is a great achievement. I am like many people out one of those who struggles with losing weight and with finding the motivation to lose the weight. I do realize a big part of it is internal and finding the strength inside, the drive, and the determination to do it and help yourself.

However, another big part of it is having support. This site has given me that. I've met a wonderful group of people who I am proud to call my friends who are going through this same journey as me. We support each other, laugh with each other, cry, scream, and everything in between. Having the support and the push they can give when times get rough really does help. It's nice knowing that the journey is not being made alone but rather is being made by people who are stepping along the same stones trying to lose weight and get healthy.

To my friends on MFP this Thursday I say Thank you. I'd not be where I am today without your support, your love, and friendship. I raise my glass of water to you. You all are the best!

Wordless Wednesday Walk

Time keeps on ticking ticking..

There's 24 hours in the day. Realistically, 8 hours of that is spent asleep and 8 hours of that is spent at work. That's a grand total of 16 hours. So, where's the rest of the time going? What am I doing with my time? Am I using it wisely to my fullest advantage or am I letting little moments pass on by? If I am letting little moment pass me by then surely I can find something to fit into those time slots.

Right now, my schedule looks a bit like this during the week when I'm scheduled to work.

5:30 am - Wake up / Feed Leo and give him attention

6:30 am -7:00 am  - Breakfast

7 am -10:45 am  - Social sites/emails/ blog reading / Time with Leo

10:45 am - 7:15 pm - Work

7:15 pm -8:00 pm - Dinner / Time with Leo

8 pm - 9:30 pm - Social sites/emails/blog reading

9:30 pm - 10:00 pm - Get ready for sleep / Make sure Leo has food and water for the night while asleep

10:00 pm - 5:30 am - Sleep

Okay, so let's take a look at the above. I'm okay with waking up at 5:30 am each morning and breakfast is at a good time but what in the world am I spending so much time on the internet for before work? I could be doing other things for myself like reading a book, taking a walk outside, or just enjoying being "unplugged' from technology.

It probably isn't healthy to be spending so much time on the internet. That's 3 hours and 45 minutes that I'm sitting either on my chair or the bed when I could be doing other things. I'm thinking I can definitely cut that down to 1 hr and 30 minutes to 2 hours. That would give me some more personal time to myself in the mornings before having to start work.

Work - I can't control the schedule they give me. So I'm stuck with it until the schedule bids come out. The evening internet time isn't so bad and neither is the getting ready for sleep and spending my time with Leo.

The weekend day that I work is an early shift and that weekend day is a Saturday.

That schedule looks like this.

5:30 am - Wake up / Feed Leo and give him attention

6:00 am - 7:00 am Breakfast

7:00 am - 7:45 am - Social sites / emails / blog reading / Time with Leo

7:45 am - 4:15 pm - Work

4:30 pm - 6:00 pm - Social sites / emails / blog reading / Time with Leo

6:00 pm - 6:30 pm  - Dinner

6:30 pm - 9:30 pm ? ? ?


9:30 pm - 10:00 pm - Get ready for sleep / Make sure Leo has food and water for the night while asleep

10:00 pm - 5:30 am - Sleep

So what the heck on a Saturday between 6:30  pm to 9 pm am I doing? That's three hours there that I can't even account for. So again, that's a little moment slipping by that I could be filling with me time. Also, the 4:30 pm -6:00 pm slot can also definitely be cut down on internet time as well.

Days off are Sunday and Tuesday. I don't have a set schedule or plan on those days. Those days are more of a go with the flow and see how things play out.

I can see it is definitely time to revamp some priorities here with the time that keeps on ticking ticking by.

Thankful Thursday

This Thursday I am thankful for the birds song that I've woken to each morning that I've been here at my parents house. With the windows open and the breeze blowing in their melody of different pitches puts a smile on my face. I don't know what kind of birds they are but I am thankful I get to hear them again. That is one of the things I did miss when I moved away. Nature just isn't the same when you live in the city. Living out in the country there is a much bigger appreciation for it.

So, to the birds outside, I say Thank You for gracing me with your beautiful songs in the morning and throughout the day.

Wordless Wednesday

"The brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks." ~ Fred Beck

Tears

Three weeks ago yesterday I moved back to my parents. Last night was the first night I cried myself to sleep.

Slices of Happiness

A list of things that make me smile or make me happy. No order to the list and not complete.

1. Looking at leaves changing colors.

2. Sunshine.

3. Taking a walk.

4. Watching the raindrops on windows.

5. Collecting turtles.

6. Candles burning.

7. Writing.

8. Collecting journals.

9. Taking pictures.

10. Helping other people.

11. Giving advice.

12. The smell of magnolia blossoms.

13. Studying people and their interaction with others and the environment.

14. Cooking.

15. The smell of honeysuckle.

16. Cerulean blue.

17. Laughter.

18. A smile.

19. Jade green.

20. The smell of bread baking.

21. Companionship.

22. Friendship.

23. Swinging on a swing.

24. Railroad tracks.

25. Moonlight.

26. Piano playing.

27. Acoustic guitar playing.

28. Violin playing.

29. Good movies

30. Music.

31. Dancing

32. Holding hands.

33. Strawberries.

34. Tanzanite.

35. Long slow kisses.

36. Jokes.

37. Hugs.

38. Butterflies.

39. Dragonflies.

40. Wildflowers.

41. Oleander.

42. Oval wedding cakes.

43. Pretty wedding dresses.

44. Monkeys.

45. Penguins.

46. Soft blankets.

47. My cat

48. Pictures of the beach/ocean

A gift to myself

When I've got the money needed I plan to make this purchase.

I thought that it was appropriate for the time and transition in my life and I really think it is a beautiful piece of jewelery. It'll be ordered from Lavender Fields Online

Thankful Thursday

Every Thursday will now be a Thankful Thursday on this blog.

This Thursday I am thankful for the love and support of all my friends during this transition time. I don't know where I'd be without all of you. It means a lot to know you're here if I need somebody to listen.

Thank you all. Much love to everyone. xx

The beginning of a bucket list

Be able to support myself financially and be able to provide for myself and for Leo

Pay off my credit cards

Start a savings account
Own my own house

Visit a beach, see the ocean

Make a difference in at least one person's life

Get my turtle tattoo

Write and publish a book

See the northern lights in Alaska and listen to wolves howl

Learn and practice yoga

Visit an amusement park and ride a roller coaster

Visit as many states as possible as time allows

Go to a foreign country 

Love myself including all the minor imperfections that I have no control over.

Understand that happiness is a state of mind. It changes like the tides of the ocean.

Realize that in order to be happy in life I have to be happy even if everybody else  around me is miserable.

 Do not let others opinion reflect how I feel about what I want out of life.

I Am Not Afraid

I am not afraid of storms,

for I am learning how

to sail my ship

~Louisa May Alcott (1832-1888)

Just a little blue

I woke up today feeling sad. Not the break down burst into tears sad but just an overall feeling of melancholy. I'm sure part of this is the separation from Daniel and having to learn to be alone and on my own. Its hard to do. Granted, nobody ever said that this would be easy. I just wish things were different. Its hard going from a being around somebody for three years then going to a you're on your own now. Well, as on my own as it can get while living with my parents so I can resolve my debts and a cat whom I love to pieces. He's currently chasing down his red catnip ball. I think he lost it somewhere in one of the other rooms so now he's got the wandering around going on. I'll probably have to go find it for him.

I'm not sure how long I'll be here at my parents place. No longer then necessary of course but long enough to get my debts paid and after that I'm not sure where I'll end up. I do know one thing for sure once I've got my money straightened out and enough time built for vacation I would like to take a trip and see the ocean. I want to walk barefoot in the sand and dip my toes into the water. Its something I've never done or seen so I would like to do it. When I get that opportunity I can cross it from my list of things that I would like to do.

I know eventually it will all work out. It always does but right now its hard to see the sunshine through the clouds.

Nine Days Later

Nine days later and here I am sitting in my old room. Old but the same. Sure, the walls are bare except for two cards that I've tacked to the wall and a calendar on the other. I have pictures to hang and yet if I do that it makes it seem all the more permanent. I know that I'll be here for a while and yet I'm not sure how I feel about this or the entire situation. Its a combobulation of the finest sort.

Part of me wants to be happy about this that I'm here and I'm living with a roof over my head and food to eat. Happy that I have clothes to wear and place to sleep and yet there's the part of me that wants to break and cry and to scream and shout. To be angry at the world and yet why should I do that?

It wasn't the world that brought me to this point. It was myself. My own actions and my choices that brought me here to this place again. But why can't I feel angry about it? Why can't I scream and shout and cry? I should be allowed to do that shouldn't I? Would it do any good though? Would it accomplish anything in the grand scheme of things?

I'm not sure if any of it would be worth it. Emotions are fleeting after all. They come and go each passing day. The emotions that I feel I will work with them as they come. My only wish was that this wasn't so hard to go through but that is life after all isn't it?

I suppose if life were easy we wouldn't be taught the lessons that we have to learn. Experience is after all the hardest teacher.

The beginning of an end

So, this is what it feels like. The end. Finished. No more. After three years,  three years of building memories and moments together and it is now over. I should have expected and anticipated it would come to this. From the time you said I love you but I'm not in love with you I should have known that me doing all I could to keep us together wouldn't be enough and so here now I stand with nothing - alone. Always alone. Private my world for I am a silent person. Maybe I shouldn't be silent anymore. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I should speak up more and voice my opinion. 

What am I feeling right now? Emptiness, hurt, anger. How could somebody do this to me? I give three years of my life and get this in return and so here I stand not beside you as a girlfriend and never will be a wife. No, that isn't something I'd ever give the honor of to you. Not after this. You want to be friends.. And why? Because you say you care about me and you still love me. Is that even possible to do as friends? I've never been in a relationship long enough to form the bonds we have and then let go and just be friends. In the past, we'd go our seperate ways with the ones I was with and occasionally say the polite hello and that was it. This is a whole new surrounding for me, a new world. I'm not sure how to transition from lovers to friends. I guess in the beginning though that is what we were wasn't it. Who knows, maybe we can be friends and maybe we'll make some good memories as friends but right now I don't know what to do or say to you. 

So I stand here broken hearted, empty inside, no money in my pockets, and no where to go. You already know my secret shame, that came out last night in our talks. The debts I owe. Not just the student loans and car payments but the maxed out credit cards and you were so hurt by it that I didn't tell you but why should I. It was my problem and I got myself into the mess and should be able to get out of it on my own. A secret shame I didn't want to share in much the same way an alcoholic doesn't reveal their problem. 

So, again, what to do and how to heal from this? I know I need to move forward and yet I don't know how or where to begin to grow stronger. I'm not so good at this grown up life stuff. Who is though? At the age of 26 I'm so far into debt that I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to budget. Don't know where the money will come from aside from the job I have which while not the greatest in the world at least lets me pay the bills but that's it. I can't even afford to move out if I wanted to. I don't make enough to pay bills and pay rent. I suppose going back to my mom and dads would be an option but that - that is a pride issue. The screw up daughter returning to the nest. It really isn't something I want to do but in the end if I have to I will and hopefully they won't mind another cat too. All I know is that I can pray and hopfully find some sense of wholeness again after the pain I have endured.