The beginning of an end

So, this is what it feels like. The end. Finished. No more. After three years,  three years of building memories and moments together and it is now over. I should have expected and anticipated it would come to this. From the time you said I love you but I'm not in love with you I should have known that me doing all I could to keep us together wouldn't be enough and so here now I stand with nothing - alone. Always alone. Private my world for I am a silent person. Maybe I shouldn't be silent anymore. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I should speak up more and voice my opinion. 

What am I feeling right now? Emptiness, hurt, anger. How could somebody do this to me? I give three years of my life and get this in return and so here I stand not beside you as a girlfriend and never will be a wife. No, that isn't something I'd ever give the honor of to you. Not after this. You want to be friends.. And why? Because you say you care about me and you still love me. Is that even possible to do as friends? I've never been in a relationship long enough to form the bonds we have and then let go and just be friends. In the past, we'd go our seperate ways with the ones I was with and occasionally say the polite hello and that was it. This is a whole new surrounding for me, a new world. I'm not sure how to transition from lovers to friends. I guess in the beginning though that is what we were wasn't it. Who knows, maybe we can be friends and maybe we'll make some good memories as friends but right now I don't know what to do or say to you. 

So I stand here broken hearted, empty inside, no money in my pockets, and no where to go. You already know my secret shame, that came out last night in our talks. The debts I owe. Not just the student loans and car payments but the maxed out credit cards and you were so hurt by it that I didn't tell you but why should I. It was my problem and I got myself into the mess and should be able to get out of it on my own. A secret shame I didn't want to share in much the same way an alcoholic doesn't reveal their problem. 

So, again, what to do and how to heal from this? I know I need to move forward and yet I don't know how or where to begin to grow stronger. I'm not so good at this grown up life stuff. Who is though? At the age of 26 I'm so far into debt that I don't know how to get out. I don't know how to budget. Don't know where the money will come from aside from the job I have which while not the greatest in the world at least lets me pay the bills but that's it. I can't even afford to move out if I wanted to. I don't make enough to pay bills and pay rent. I suppose going back to my mom and dads would be an option but that - that is a pride issue. The screw up daughter returning to the nest. It really isn't something I want to do but in the end if I have to I will and hopefully they won't mind another cat too. All I know is that I can pray and hopfully find some sense of wholeness again after the pain I have endured.